he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
