I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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