Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
