dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
