Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
