it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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