I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm just crazy horny about you
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
