I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
