I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
