TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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