Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
