oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
