she was so not down for the gang bang
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
