barbara walters just said penis...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
