my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
