ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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