I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
