The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Randomize
