Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
