You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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