ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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