why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
she looked like the before picture.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
