I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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