Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
