You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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