non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
