he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
