i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
