god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
