Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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