worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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