I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
