dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
