How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I need a beard to bite.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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