Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
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