I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
