i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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