i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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