do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
