2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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