soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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