Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
