Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
