I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
