I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he was CRYING into my vagina
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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