Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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