i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
