I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
