he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
