mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
