When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
