It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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