You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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