How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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