UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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