i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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