im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
