What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
