What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
