Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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